Ties. Even the very word is enough to strike fear in the hearts of many. Why? Well, for one, a tie can be used as a murder weapon. A tie can be hideously ugly, to the point where it can cause severe depression in those who are forced to wear them on a daily basis. Don't believe me? Look no further than this site: http://www.troyandnaomi.com/2007/06/ugly-tie-week.html . Here we see a classic example of the depressed man. He is overweight, very pale-skinned, no expression of happiness anywhere, and his humor consists solely of self-deprecation. The tie is clearly to blame. Finally, how many people have had their day ruined by getting a bit of tomato soup on a nice tie? My guess is many.
All of these things (murder, depression, ugliness, and tomato soup) are evil, and thus of the devil. However, it is not this type of tie that is the most evil. The most evil of all ties are those in football games. They are evil for several reasons, and these are the reasons that I will detail in the following adjuration.
1. In Samuel Taylor Coleridge's magnum opus, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, the title character notices a "skeleton ship", the sailors on which are known as "Life in Death". This is presumed to be a fate worse than death, and it is forced upon the sailors because a game was played with their fate, and the game must have ended in a tie, because they neither live nor die. If a tie can condemn someone to a fate worse than death, then surely it is evil.
2. It has been said that a tie "is like kissing your sister". Kissing your sister is wrong. It has been established since at least the time of Sophocles' Oedipus Rex that incest is something to be ashamed of. For those unaware of the plotline of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus has sexual relations with a family member (though he was unaware of this at the time), and upon realizing that he did so, he blinds himself. If a tie can cause one to blind themself, it is certainly evil and against nature.
Also, a recent informal poll taken of GLB users says that even if one's sister was as physically attractive as Megan Fox (http://is.gd/oDxU ), they would not be interested in having sexual relations with said hypothetical sister. Since kissing is a precursor to sexual relations, it can thus be assumed that the general GLB public is against the kissing of sisters, and therefore against ties.
Finally, in a specific episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, a teenage boy was notified that he had impregnated his half-sister. This shocking revelation induced vomiting from this boy. And this was just his half-sister! Imagine if it had been his full sister! Nowhere in the simile of a tie is there anything about half-sisters. If the revelation that one has had something even comparable to a tie is enough to induce vomiting, then it must be abolished.
3. Colleges, being institutions of higher learning, are always superior to things that are not institutions of higher learning. Since there are no ties in college football, GLB must follow suit in order to be considered even close on a level with such an institution of higher learning. It has been stated that "education is the silver bullet". Silver bullets are commonly known as the weapon by which a werewolf is vanquished. If a center of education is a silver bullet, then it stands to reason that something that opposes it, i.e. a football system that advocates rules in opposition to those of education, is werewolvine in nature.
4. Milton's Paradise Lost is often considered one of the greatest works in English literature. One of the things that makes it so great is the moral ambiguity of the character of Satan. Like Satan, ties are ambiguous in that they do not declare a winner or loser. Therefore, ties are satanic.
5. Sports were designed as a domestic substitute for warfare. We must keep this in mind when discussing the rules. This means that, just as in warfare, there must always be a winner and loser, otherwise the match has served no purpose. Imagine if World War II had ended in a tie.
Germany: "Well, that was an outstanding matchup. Too bad neither of us could come out on top. We'll just go back to oppressing the Jewish people and attempting to eradicate them from existence. Oh, and we're not giving back France or Poland either. They will all speak German from now on, and any Jews, homosexuals, or gypsies in those two countries are going to die. Because we didn't lose the war."
United States: "I wish we could have won, but a tie is a tie and that's fair. We will not have a period of major economic growth now. Hey, maybe we could have another war in about thirty years when we've both developed nuclear weaponry?"
In conclusion, ties are bad. They are evil, unnatural, opposed by the GLB community, akin to werewolves, satanic, and promoting of holocausts, both nuclear and anti-Semitic. Therefore, I urge GLB to abolish them from the game, so that GLB is not all of these things, because I enjoy playing the game, and would not like to see it get sued for anti-Semitism or Satan-worshipping.
All of these things (murder, depression, ugliness, and tomato soup) are evil, and thus of the devil. However, it is not this type of tie that is the most evil. The most evil of all ties are those in football games. They are evil for several reasons, and these are the reasons that I will detail in the following adjuration.
1. In Samuel Taylor Coleridge's magnum opus, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, the title character notices a "skeleton ship", the sailors on which are known as "Life in Death". This is presumed to be a fate worse than death, and it is forced upon the sailors because a game was played with their fate, and the game must have ended in a tie, because they neither live nor die. If a tie can condemn someone to a fate worse than death, then surely it is evil.
2. It has been said that a tie "is like kissing your sister". Kissing your sister is wrong. It has been established since at least the time of Sophocles' Oedipus Rex that incest is something to be ashamed of. For those unaware of the plotline of Oedipus Rex, Oedipus has sexual relations with a family member (though he was unaware of this at the time), and upon realizing that he did so, he blinds himself. If a tie can cause one to blind themself, it is certainly evil and against nature.
Also, a recent informal poll taken of GLB users says that even if one's sister was as physically attractive as Megan Fox (http://is.gd/oDxU ), they would not be interested in having sexual relations with said hypothetical sister. Since kissing is a precursor to sexual relations, it can thus be assumed that the general GLB public is against the kissing of sisters, and therefore against ties.
Finally, in a specific episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, a teenage boy was notified that he had impregnated his half-sister. This shocking revelation induced vomiting from this boy. And this was just his half-sister! Imagine if it had been his full sister! Nowhere in the simile of a tie is there anything about half-sisters. If the revelation that one has had something even comparable to a tie is enough to induce vomiting, then it must be abolished.
3. Colleges, being institutions of higher learning, are always superior to things that are not institutions of higher learning. Since there are no ties in college football, GLB must follow suit in order to be considered even close on a level with such an institution of higher learning. It has been stated that "education is the silver bullet". Silver bullets are commonly known as the weapon by which a werewolf is vanquished. If a center of education is a silver bullet, then it stands to reason that something that opposes it, i.e. a football system that advocates rules in opposition to those of education, is werewolvine in nature.
4. Milton's Paradise Lost is often considered one of the greatest works in English literature. One of the things that makes it so great is the moral ambiguity of the character of Satan. Like Satan, ties are ambiguous in that they do not declare a winner or loser. Therefore, ties are satanic.
5. Sports were designed as a domestic substitute for warfare. We must keep this in mind when discussing the rules. This means that, just as in warfare, there must always be a winner and loser, otherwise the match has served no purpose. Imagine if World War II had ended in a tie.
Germany: "Well, that was an outstanding matchup. Too bad neither of us could come out on top. We'll just go back to oppressing the Jewish people and attempting to eradicate them from existence. Oh, and we're not giving back France or Poland either. They will all speak German from now on, and any Jews, homosexuals, or gypsies in those two countries are going to die. Because we didn't lose the war."
United States: "I wish we could have won, but a tie is a tie and that's fair. We will not have a period of major economic growth now. Hey, maybe we could have another war in about thirty years when we've both developed nuclear weaponry?"
In conclusion, ties are bad. They are evil, unnatural, opposed by the GLB community, akin to werewolves, satanic, and promoting of holocausts, both nuclear and anti-Semitic. Therefore, I urge GLB to abolish them from the game, so that GLB is not all of these things, because I enjoy playing the game, and would not like to see it get sued for anti-Semitism or Satan-worshipping.
Last edited Apr 2, 2009 20:17:42
