Here is a quick analysis of the teams in Naga and have published them here for your perusal, discussion, and general complaint. All opinions have been telepathically transferred to me from the one true Bortykins, so don’t argue with me if your dots got nerfed. Order is based on current order listed on the Conference standings and has nothing to do with a team’s potential standing nor any script ranking nor the likelihood that the team owner will go to church this Sunday, meet a beautiful girl there, take her to brunch, then assault her in the bathroom of IHOP. All disclaimers in this paragraph are the property of GLB Enterpizes Inc. LMT. LLP
Sainte Foy Cyclones
Last Season record: 16-0
Owned by jay71 Co Owned by Adamsfore
Mascot: 200 Freeze-Dried Pork Chops http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=91
This team is a newcomer to SEAPL, having lost to PuDong in SEAAAA2 last season.
Nobody exactly knows why they are in SEA in the first place. Is the name a reference to France’s colonization of much of Southeast Asia? Do they still refer to the other teams as coming from French-Indochina? Have they ever seen a grown man naked?
We hope to have the answers to many of these questions by the end of the season.
Player to watch out for: Loki Slayer of Baldr (NT) Granted, Loki sounds dangerous and all, having slayed Baldur. But really, he’s kinda the weasel of the Norse Pantheon. He spends all his time tricking people and potentially siding with the giants against the other gods, so I’d probably watch him just to make sure he doesn’t try to defect to another team.
Playoffs? Probably not
Wu Dang Kung Fu Academy
Last Season record: 15-1
Owned by shield.bearer Co Owned by chappy2235
Mascot: Crap Throwing Monkey http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=75
Another newcomer to SEAPL, these wiseacres from SEAAAA1 did well in Season 15 only to fall to CoP in the Conference Championships. They also narrowly lost to CoP in the AAA forum championships, falling behind at the last minute. Well respected by those who have herded goats for a living, Wu Dang plan to bring their arts of animal husbandry to the battlefields of SEAPL. Expect to have frequent mention of Laser <insert animal here>, various kung fu imagery, and gocinncy’s lovely avatars. And, while a young team, don’t neglect to consider some of the talent they have gameplanning.
Player to watch out for: 40 Miles of Bad Texas Highway (MLB) I’ve never had to drive through Texas, but I’ve driven through some extremely boring parts of California and Arizona, and I’ll be damned if Texas is more fun than that. I’m guessing this MLB will have a huge chip on his shoulder, likely tortilla.
Playoffs? Potential
Pudong Skyfire
Last Season record: 15-1
Owned by topdawg88 Co Owned by jwheelie12
Mascot: Pooduck http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=21
Yet one more newcomer to SEAPL, the SEAAAA2 league champions spent much of last season in the boring forums of their league. They are looking forward to making from noise in SEAPL this year, but frankly, what kind of noise does a pooduck make anyway? Half quack, half bark? A quark? I’ll let the particle physicists weigh in on this.
Player to watch out for? Punt'n It Long (CB……just kidding, punter!) Expect him to play a lot!
Playoffs? Meh
The Cult of Personalities
Last Season record: 15-1
Owned by MGood030 Co Owned by Loco Moco
Mascot: Naked Soldiers http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=82
Dubbed lovingly by the forum as the Cult of Poosays, this group continues its perennial search to find Hobo, who may have been lost somewhere on Boostfag Mountain while searching for magical unicorn mayonnaise. Their favorite thing to do is knit sweaters, pollute the Gulf with oil, and report people. They also have no soul and can’t dance.
Player to watch out for: Bacon Donut (G). If BP ever gives BD the rock, he’s gonna run it for a TD. C’Mon, he’s glazed, he has bacon, he probably has the USRDA for fat content. What more do you want from a player?
Playoffs? A possibility
Oceanside United Sharks
Last Season record: 14-2
Owned by dee hall Co Owned by oekopp
Mascot: Disembodied Farrah Fawcett Heads http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=27
Another group from SEAAAA1. Like the auction of the Farrah Fawcett Heads, the team looks more dangerous at first glance than it really is. And it doesn’t look all that dangerous to begin with. In fact, I’m somewhat more frightened of the Farrah Fawcett Heads, TBQH.
Player to watch out for: Dee Hammer (OLB) He keeps saying he’ll drop Dee Hammer on you, but he’ll likely just drop it on the floor and stub his toe.
Playoffs? unlikely
Roanoke Red Foxes
Last Season record: 14-2
Owned by jrog68
Mascot: Green Dress Doll http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=10
Another one of those teams that got seriously lost. Looks like the lost colony of Roanoke ended up in Southeast Asia. No wonder the British could never find it again!
This team has a few older players and, like the green dress doll, could potentially sneak up in the night and stab you. But more likely, they’ll just lay there in the crib, staring at the ceiling collecting dust.
Player to watch out for: Zodiac Killer (DT) This guy spent much of the 70’s running around the San Francisco Bay Area killing people at Lovers Lane and sending cryptic messages to police. They never caught him, likely because he found the way to the “lost colony” or some such shit. But given the RL theme of the Zodiac Killer, wouldn’t this have been a better name for an elusive HB?
Playoffs? Dashed hopes and dreams
Semarang Red Bulls
Last Season record: 14-2
Owned by Sockamidic Co Owned by pimpin_snoopy
Mascot: Deer Butt http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=56
Semarang has shot up to Pro’s and captured a number of trophies along the way. They are likely to make some noise up in SEAPL. But what kind of noise will they make? After all, Semarang derives from the Javanese words "asem" and "arang" which literary translate to "scarce tamarind." This team has been known to play “hide the tamarind” in the past, so make sure if you are visiting their locker room for a pre-game interview that you politely decline any tamarinds offered.
Player to watch out for: Richard Joseph Gannon (QB) Few people know that this QB spent time in a POW camp in Indochina, where he spent his spare time tossing coconuts to the other inmates. This is also, we have discovered, where the tamarind games began.
Playoffs? Good chance here!
Hong Kong Hustlers
Last Season record: 13-3
Owned by Epark88
Mascot: Gator Bride http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=87
Hong Kong Hustlers? This team appears to be like the Saigon Whores, only the Vietnamese prostitutes working there have a longer way to travel home, if only their captors would let them.
Player to watch out for: Old Bushmills (FB) OB is used to pushing around defenders, in fact, the story is that he once pushed one of his daughter’s potential suitors right off a cliff, but our lawyers have advised us not to talk about this, since the jury acquitted him.
Playoffs? might
Cambodia Renegade Viper Assassins Blame Stu!!
Last Season record: 13-3
Owned by bruiser 1234 Co Owned by jgifford
Mascot: Santa Toilet Seat Cover http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=36
Cambodia has made noise here in their inaugural season in SEAPL . Will they do as well this season? With Stu available for blame, how could they go wrong?
Player to watch out for: Scottish RedBeard (DE) As long as other teams don’t ply him with cheap scotch before the game, RedBeard may spend some time running down QBs. Or he may end up on the sidelines with a wicked hangover wondering how that Kool-Aid powder got trapped in his beard.
Playoffs? Yeah, sure.
Palembang Drunken Monks
Last Season record: 12-4
Owned by Boomy DTD Co Owned by Texan DTD
Mascot: Furry Novelties Book http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=64
Favorite GLB Passtime: Getting reported
The Shaolin Drunken Monk was not all that great of a kung fu film, but this team should prove to be better than the film, as they have indeed learned the art of Drunken Monkey kung fu. As noted here: “Drunken Monkey does not begin with drunken-like gestures, but rather the drunken aspect enters the forms in the middle section when the practitioner plays the movements of a monkey drinking stolen wine.” So folks, expect these players to steal your Gatorade container!
One wonders, though, how a Drunken Monkey artist ended up in Indonesia?
Player to watch out for: Mephisto Memphis (G) Folks, it’s pronounced mee-fist-o, and his avatar of the gay Devil from South Park clinches the pronunciation here. Don’t drop the soap in the locker room with this guy!
Playoffs? Probable
Apatity Awesome
Last Season record: 11-5
Owned by Sal Basss Co Owned by Xcesiv7
Mascot: Drunken Man Figurine http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=7
The Awesome are exactly that. Who would have known that 62K people in Murmansk could possible be this cool? Not to mention they have “titty” as part of their town’s name. This team had promos before promos were available, offering their fans “Boxed Wine Night”. Unfortunately in the past, the players and their agents have been known to partake of this “promo” as well, leading to at least one subsequent birth. If they stay sober, expect this team to do well!
Player to watch out for: Crayven Moorehead (CB) We understand that this CB has spent his entire life looking for head. Apparently, he’s a “technique man” with “soft hands” and a “steady grip”. No wonder he’s a “home town hero”!
Playoffs? Yeah, baby, yeah!
Pa Dong Dragons
Last Season record: 8-8
Owned by Voltron Co Owned by LucaBrasi
Mascot: Flamboyant Clown http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=53
Pa Dong translates from the Cambodian roughly as “Put Penis”. As the flamboyant clown illustrates above, it is clear where you are supposed to put it (clicking on the magnified image shows you the reaction you should expect). Apparently while Defending the Universe, Voltron should have been keeping an eye “locally” if you catch my drift!
Player to watch out for: Major Thom (FS) If this player takes his protein pills before putting on his helmet, watch out- he should expect an endorsement this season from a shirt manufacturer. Unfortunately for him, this player may find himself unable to communicate with the DC at a critical juncture.
Playoffs? Sure, why not?
Portland Dirty Penguins
Last season record: 7-9
Owned by amo368 Co Owned by Boomy DTD
Mascot: Stinky the Conch Shell Pelican http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=24
Portland? In Southeast Asia? I think someone drank a little too much Rogue’s, got tied up and thrown in the back of plane naked. Clearly they were going to Bangkok! <groans from audience>
Boomy is co-owner here, so expect to spend at least part of the season watching Boomy play with himself. Clearly he should Pa Dong!
Player to watch out for: Flap Jack Morbid (C) Can he play? Who knows?!?! I couldn’;t get past the player avatar to find out if he generates any stats.
Playoffs? Mmmmm kay
Bacolod Skullcrushers
Last Season record: 6-10
Owned by dano6482
Mascot: Postcard of Goat Nursing a Baby http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=31
Bacólod (English: Bacolod), is derived from bakólod (Old Spelling: bacólod), the Old Hiligaynon or Old Ilonggo (Old Spelling: Ylongo and Ilongo) word for a "hill, mound, rise, hillock, down, any small eminence or elevation". In other words, these guys from the Philippines aren’t going to go very far. Apparently these players are too busy “playing with water buffalo” to make too much noise this season, as shown in this local sculpture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sculpture_of_Man_and_Water_Buffalo_Capitol_Lagoon_Bacolod_City_Philippines.jpg
Player to watch out for: Dave Rimington (C) I believe Mr. “Rimington” may be the one who posed for the sculpture pictured above. If this is the case, he is no stranger to “snapping”.
Playoffs? <shakes head>
Victoria Teabaggers
Last season record: 3-13
Owned by jtrav21 Co Owned by Rayzerx
Mascot: Gym Supplies http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=8
Victoria? Could be in SEA, I guess (Hong Kong and the Philippines both have Victorias, so I guess it’s OK). Half this team is Psycho, so no need to point out a particular player.
Playoffs? OK
Taipei Giant Pandas
Last Season record: 2-14
Owned by Joakim91 Co Owned by Sandinho
Mascot: Little Squirt http://www.disturbingauctions.com/view.php?item=16
You’ve all seen the videos. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more frightening than a Panda Bear, as witnessed in this classic Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SFWg614Op4
Playoffs? Not a chance
